I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
