Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
Randomize
