Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Randomize
