Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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