I cannot find my penis.
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Randomize
