I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
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You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
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On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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