Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Randomize
