you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Randomize
