they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
