it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
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