Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
