Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
