you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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