As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
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