I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
