She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
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