Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
