apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize
