Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Randomize
