rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
