no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Randomize
