ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
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