I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
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