halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
My ATM looks so different sober.
he fucked my hip out of place.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
