in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
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