I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
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