what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
Can you bring me the toilet please
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Randomize
