Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Houston, we have a blender
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I am one with the molecules
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
