The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
