i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
you inspire me to be a worse person
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
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