there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
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