My Higher Power is John Stamos
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Randomize
