I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.