Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
Randomize
