Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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