Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
