You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
