i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
