1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
