Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
