Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
My ass is underappreciated
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
