Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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