that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Randomize
