What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Randomize
