to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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