How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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