I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
My bed smells like the plague
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Randomize
