My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I seem to have left my pride at pride
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
it's not cheating when I paid for it
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
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