just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
