Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
