We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Randomize
