Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
