Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
Randomize
