Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
