I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
I could have mohawked her pubes.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Randomize
