Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
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