Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
